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Don't sleep on the kid · by Rafi Kam
Who needs teeth?
We’ve all been sick in my house lately.
Saturday night our sick baby girl was having trouble sleeping. Sickly, I take her to the living room and lay next to her on the couch until she falls asleep. Then I fall asleep beside her.
Who knows how much later on, my sick wife comes down the stairs yelling at me for falling asleep next to the baby. She had heard me snoring from two floors up.
Laying back like Biggie. “This is my couch, fool!”
Technically she’s right. You’re not supposed to sleep next to your baby. You could roll over on the baby. They could wake up and climb over you, fall to the ground, etc. But my experience dozing off beside two babies during the past four and some odd years make me feel pretty sure that I can get away with it without harming the kids. The couch walls and my body keep them pretty boxed in and I’ve developed a good sense for waking up in a flash if they try scaling me.
I bring the still-sleeping baby to her room and put her down in the crib. Trudge up to our attic bedroom and fall back asleep.
Sure enough closer to 5am the baby is crying again. I try holding her to soothe her back to sleep but I’m feeling too tired to stay awake there in the dark. And if I turn the light on the baby won’t go back to sleep.
So I bring the baby down to the living room again and lay next to her on the couch. She’s tired but trying desperately to stay up. I’m tired and trying to stay up but apparently less desperately. The baby seems on the verge of nodding off when I sink deeply into a sleep of my own.
Apocalypse Now
As I mentioned, I’ve developed a good sleep-state awareness of when a baby is trying to get past me but one thing I wasn’t at all prepared for was an aerial attack.
I got a rude awakening yesterday morning just shy of 6am. First was the odd feeling of water rushing down my left ear canal. And then an instant later something very hard clocking me in the left eye socket. And there was the thunk of solid glass hitting skull.
My first thought as my head spun a bit was “oh my god, the baby!” Eyes opened and my whole body moved with a start, ready to grab a falling baby. Instead she stood there on the sofa cushion looking down at me, smiling and laughing because she had successfully woken me up.
It seems little Talia had managed to reach over the end of the sofa and grab a glass of water from the nearby end-table, poured contents of said glass on my face before dropping the vessel which came down quickly just above my left eye.
Naturally when my wife heard what happened she had no sympathy. The baby could have hurt herself with that glass, she could have fallen, and so on and so on. I think she’s worried about the wrong things. The real danger made evident here is that this little girl is gonna bust balls just like her mother.
Throwing up signs
Coming into work today with a slight shiner, I feel like Ed Norton from Fight Club. The first rule of fatherhood is you don’t talk about getting a black eye from a nine month old.
That chick is gully.
That’s something serious.
My little girl is only nearing 3 months, but she already has proven her intelligence and strength to my wife and I. God bless you and yours. Peace.
— Jay B Nov 20, 10:05 PM
my 2 month old son has been throwin it up since day dot. and he is gaining crazy weight. i smell a power shift in 2 weeks.
— khal Nov 21, 08:49 PM
i feel like this entry was written for my enjoyment. your kids rule.
— arlene Nov 23, 03:24 PM
An alarming tale for this soon-to-be-father…
— Perttu Nov 24, 07:11 AM
I eat fetuses for breakfast
— Billy Sunday Nov 27, 02:53 AM