Letters to Latifah

The internet can be a pretty weird place. I don’t know what else to say when I look at how the comments of one of the first articles that ran on Oh Word became a magnet for those looking to communicate directly with rapper/actress/chanteuse Queen Latifah.

When we launched Oh Word in 2005 it had a review section that focused on albums from Hip-Hop’s golden age. R.H.S. had written a few paragraphs revisiting 1990’s Queen Latifah and the Flavor Unit. His byline was there, the reviews section tab highlighted, and the voice clearly that of a critic who is not Latifah herself. And yet this post would cause much apparent confusion.

Ironically, R.H.S. even opened his review dismissing the significance of Queen Latifah’s involvement with the album “Don’t let the title and the packaging fool you: although Queen Latifah is featured on two tracks and appears to be the intended selling point of the record, this is DJ Mark the 45 King’s show.”

He goes on to praise the “slept-on classic” at length in a review that received zero comments in the first three months it had been posted. Then one day in January 2006 Linda Greenwood stepped into the picture.

Hello Latifah,

My name is Linda and I am writing to share my story with you. I am almost finish writing my life story. I would love for it to go into film afterwards. I have followed and loved the things you have done. Although I know my life story will be a very challenging story for any producer to bring to life, I also know that once told will be a great one. I feel that you can do this story. I would love to talk to you about my story and if you are interested in it, would love for you to do it. Thank you Linda

It was an earnest but awful pitch. She hadn’t even bothered mentioning why her life story would make for a good movie. But here she was, so confident that this album review on a nerdy rap site gave her an audience with the Queen.

We shared a laugh in private about it but didn’t reply to Linda’s comment. Why crush her dreams?

In July, the post received its second comment, a reader named Alex weighed in with his grim perspective on Linda’s chances.

i dont think latifah will read this,or portray your likeness in film.

— Alex Jul 23, 02:36 PM

And that was that. Delusional woman shut down six months later by cold pragmatism.

Except it was just the beginning.

A Calvin Schexnayder chimed in next. He had a litany of ailments and traumas he had recently suffered and now he was trying to sell three artists he had been representing. Okay his message wasn’t specifically for Latifah. In fact, he was posting the same exact message elsewhere. But what made him come to this post among all other Oh Word pages if not the same eery attraction to the Latifah vortex?

This was the first of several possible snake oil salesmen or at least hail Mary business pitches that would come through the post’s comments. Movies or plays to finance, rappers looking for a shot including one claiming to be the sister of rapper the Game, “copyright mistake information” from someone named Dara Owens (Latifah’s real name is Dana Owens), someone with “an Idea for a swim cap that is off the chart”, a single mother from the Bronx with an idea for a reality show that Latifah would host. The amazing thing about the comment thread is it gives us a glimpse into what the rich and famous must get from people all the time. When you’ve made it, everybody wants something from you.

About a year after the post we were all a bit confused as to why people who don’t understand how the internet works kept showing up here at this old post. Then we had the first message from someone claiming a real life connection to Latifah.

Hi Queen, I wanted you to know that I think you are beautiful. You look just like your Auntie Lida. /we grew up with your father Lance Owens and your Auntie Lida on Broad Street. North Newark and we all went to the same schools. Summer Ave. Broadway Junior High and Lance went to Central I believe along with Pancheta. God bless you and I am so glad to see that you have made it. Tell your father we said hello!

— Pamela &Pancheta Grooms Oct 5, 03:53 PM

Mmm, Pancheta.

Many more of people who seem to know Latifah came through. Many of them also wanted things. Like the former landlord who thought since Latifah already knew the building she could help him find someone to take an empty apartment. But most of them just wanted a phone call. Lots and lots of numbers posted.

One commenter Robin wanted more than a phone call and seemed a bit more delusional than the rest:

i have strange feelings about you i do not know why i have these wet dreams about you and i making love together i do not know why and the movie you been acting in set it off i had that dream about you and i Robbering the bank and do bad things then you kissed me i have these strange feelings and werid dream about you i always wanted you all day long you are not alone i am on your side and i support you if you tell me whats is going on with you if you tell where are you maybe i can get you out of jail and prison Escaped or center just tell me where are you so i can give you help i believe you are innocent i know and give me a information about you so i will help you out i know you that well gave me a chance i can do it i know i can i need you in my life and in my heart always my love.

At Sundance 2007 I happened to run into writer/filmmaker Nelson George on the street one day. He was there for a film he had made with Latifah. I tried to set up an interview with him. Maybe I could get the message to Latifah that we were hosting this answering service for her. Maybe one of these messages was actually important to her, needed to reach her. Christmas could have come early that year for a lot of people but Mr. George didn’t return our calls.

The letters to Santa were marked Return to Sender.

View the original Queen Latifah and the Original Flavor Unit post and its dozens of confused commenters. We’re still receiving comments there, two more messages for Latifah came in this October.