This week in Twitterature, my old friend Chompy Duchamp has been telling an epic tale in separate chapters. On three separate nights he has played bard for us, singing (140 characters at a time) the lesser known details behind the origin of the fabled Minotaur and Theseus, the demigod hero whose destiny also lay in a labyrinth that may or may not have been meant to symbolize the small intestine.
Long-time fans of Oh Word will either be delighted or repulsed to learn that Chompy Duchamp wrote one of the original Oh Word features, the Ghostface Woodrow skit line for line.
But today we will join Chompy on an archaeological, mythological journey into the deepest and most winding bowels of ancient Minos. You might be wise to pick up the golden thread yourself:
1.
The Labyrinth of Daedalus was technically a maze.
Daedalus had constructed his maze very cleverly, with passages that slowly narrowed as they approached the center.
Taking a roughly spiral path through the maze of Daedalus would get you through, but you would unknowingly shrink slightly as you traveled.
Nobody knew how deep Daedalus’ maze went. He had sent automatons in to finish its construction. They never came out.
Minoan philosophers surmised Daedalus’ maze connected w/ the bottom of the whirlpool Charybdis at some point, but it was purely hypothetical
It was Adripos of Crete, chief marketing officer of King Minos, who suggested Daedalus’ maze be called a “Labyrinth”.
Marketing was a big deal for King Minos. Crete was not only the major military power at the time, but also claimed to be the cultural center
Crete and Athens were in constant competition, and like any competition in the very old world, it often turned bloody.
Plus King Minos was a dick.
Minos forced Daedalus to build him the Daedalus bull, which was truly one of the dickiest dick moves in all of history.
The Daedalus Bull was built to torture slaves to death for the amusement of the nobility. Really hard to get more prickish than that.
Daedalus Bull = Hollow bull made of brass which naked slave would be put in on all fours. There were exposed holes in the butt and mouth.
Nights at Minos’ palace when they brought out the Daedalus Bull were hard to forget. People tried, though.
Incidentally, bulls were a big theme in Minoan culture for a lot of reasons. Bullfighting was HUGE in those days, and way awesome & dancey.
Corinthians were famously good at bulldancing. That, leather, and building flowery columns. But at that time, mainly the bulldancing.
But yeah, the Daedalus bull. It had pipes and tubes in the head, like a primitive organ. Sound would resonate through and come out music.
Minos would fuck the slave in the ass and listen to the way the poor guy’s moans carried through the bull. He thought it was hilarious.
Then when he was done, he’d light a fire under the Daedalus bull and listen to the sounds the slave made as he was burned to death.
Again, Minos was a notably sick fucker even for the time. And there were Assyrians around at the time!
To say that gatherings where Minos ordered the Daedalus bull be brought out so that he might play it were more awkward than you can imagine.
Having people laugh at your jokes, even when they’re unspeakably awful, is one of the lesser-known perks of royalty.
Anyway, eventually one of these slaves turns out to be a distant relative of Poseidon, like four generations removed.
He calls out to Poseidon to avenge him with dying breath. Dying breath wishes = pretty good way to communicate with Olympians (1 use only)
So Poseidon sends Minos this white bull. This absolutely perfect white bull.
Bulls would walk out of the sea in those days, just trot out onto the beach like it was nothing and find some field to graze in.
(Did I mention that Minos would take the bones in the Daedalus bull after burning someone and turn them into jewlery? I think I forgot.)
(But I digress)
So this perfect white bull winds up in this Minoan farmer’s land, and he takes it to Minos because everyone’s all crazy for albinos then.
Minos flips out. This bull is just perfectly proportioned and HUNG. That needs to be said, this bull’s dick was news. It was freaky.
Minos sees it as an emblem of himself, because he’s a vain asshole like that. But his queen Pasiphae is the one really smitten with the bull
Pasiphae was kind of kinky and a party girl when she was a teenager, but she had mostly put that all behind when she became Minos’ queen.
Of course, she didn’t really have a chance… Poseidon had enchanted her. Divine enchantments=2nd most common cause of ancient Greek divorce
(Most common cause of Ancient Greek divorce: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Brutal times, people.)
Anyway, though, Pasiphae can’t stop thinking about this bull. She gets all nervous and giggly around it and worries it thinks she’s dumb.
Anyone who’s ever made eye to eye contact with a cow can tell you: if you’re worried a cow thinks YOU’RE dumb, you’ve got it bad for the cow
So Pasiphae gets Minos really drunk one night, makes sure he’s out cold. Then she forces her slaves to get her naked into the Daedalus Bull.
You have to think Pasiphae’s slaves felt pretty lucky when they were told they didn’t have to get in the Daedalus bull.
Pasiphae has her slaves roll her out to the royal pasture, where she seduces the white bull while in the Daedalus bull.
Again, the Daedalus bull had easy access to the rear. As a vehicle built for unnatural sex, it predated the van by five millenia.
Sex with gods and godlike deities often has terrible consequences for mortals. But at the time, it is PRETTY FUCKING AMAZING.
You’d think you wouldn’t be into being taken by a giant swan or a golden raincloud, but then it happens and it’s like “whoa”.
Thus was the Minotaur conceived. True story.
2.
The birth of the Minotaur was a predictably tense affair. But at least, thanks to patriarchal custom, King Minos was not there to see it.
When your wife gives birth to a baby who looks nothing like you, that’s rough. When it bleats and moos and has a cow’s head, that’s worse.
Well, it would be worse today. Back then, it was a much more accepted thing to just blame it on the gods. Which was actually accurate here.
That’s part of the Ancient World we’ve sadly lost: when cultures believe gods interfere w/ earthly affairs, they make excellent scapegoats.
Blaming the gods for knocking you up takes a sharp decline in popularity around 1 BC, and you know who suffers most for that? Single moms.
Point being, after the Minotaur is born, there’s wailing and whining and some oracles get “sacrificed”, but then they’re essentially cool.
…and they named the Minotaur Asterion, which was a family name. Minos’ mother was less than pleased.
3.
Meanwhile: Theseus.
The minotaur’s mother wasn’t the only one fucking divine creatures behind her husband’s royal back. This kind of shit happened ALL THE TIME.
Greek myths were the Ricki Lake show of their time. No she didn’t sleep with a giant clam! YES SHE DID. Oh sit.
Not to say that Theseus’ mother slept with a giant clam. That would be ridiculous. Theseus’ mother just swam in a pool of Poseidon’s semen.
Is it comforting to think that the semen of gods is as small as the semen of man? If Neptune’s sperm were the size of tadpoles: too freaky!
Fuller story: Theseus’ mom is this chick Aethra, who’s a Peloponessian princess of this dinky little town called Troezen. Hicksville.
Troezen’s a protectorate of Athens, which at the time pretty strong but is routinely being put in its place by Crete and King Minos.
Aegeus, the king of Athens, was a young & extremely elligible bachelor. And what young kings did back then involved much princess-diddling.
The idea was a male heir. Kings would hop from island to island looking for princess poontang. There were show “marriages”, but y’know.
Royal marriages were about insuring if they had a boy, he wouldn’t be pushed out of line of succession. That & about the king being horny.
Aegeus had been “married” to plenty of other chicks. They were big public affairs that ended with Aegeus publically taking the bed chamber.
Anyway, the night after Aegeus and Aethra get hitched, Aegeus bolts to Athens for some stupid ceremony. Leaving Aethra alone & upset.
That night, Aethra has a dream about being carried off into the ocean by a huge wave. She finds it incredibly arousing.
When he wants to, Poseidon can be a very gentle lover. He’s a water sign.
Aethra wakes up mysteriously on the shore of a neighboring island called Sphaieria. She tells everyone she was brought by Poseidon’s cum.
Again, blaming it on the gods = normal back then. It was the easiest explanation.
Edith Hamilton isn’t going to level with you about divine cum waves. I will.
